How I ‘Failed’ at Negotiation

In four decades I have seen all sorts. Here are two examples.

My first serious negotiation took place a very long time ago — almost thirty-five years back. I was twelve. My home town, Borisov, was then notorious as one of the crime hot spots of Belarus. These were the early nineties…

That summer I went to a Young Pioneer camp called Svetlaya Roshcha — ‘Bright Grove’. Out of the blue, a squad of ‘difficult’ teenagers was billeted there: forty of them, all boys, all with cropped hair, and a riot policeman assigned to watch them round the clock. The demographics shifted: there were now 140 boys to 90 girls. At the very first disco it turned out that nobody would dance with the newcomers…

I must have made myself rather too conspicuous on the dance floor, because at some point I found myself outside, surrounded by a dozen crop-haired lads. They were terribly upset. I talked with them for half an hour, and we parted as friends. I did not solve their problem, but I promised to help. Instead of an irritant I became their hope of a solution. It turned out to be a wonderful summer.

Now the second case. Same town, final year at school. At about two in the morning we were walking some girls home after a disco. As we came out of yet another courtyard, a crowd of twenty or so caught up with us. All I had time to do was shout to the girls to run (there was a traffic-police car not far away). Then the classic ending: the boys got beaten up.

What was the difference between the two situations, apart from the outcome? Whether I had room to negotiate, and whether I managed to use it well. For a negotiation to happen at all, you need, at the very least, to be heard.

Staying silent when the other side is in no mood to talk and has ‘already decided’ is the surest way to get punched in the face. Negotiation is not about keeping quiet.

Almost always there is a moment at the very start when you can say something and be heard. Will you use it well? Can you widen that space and hold on to it?

Letting your opponent see you as a solution rather than a problem is one of the most successful negotiating strategies. Negotiation is a search for solutions, not stubborn attachment to a position.

P.S. Recall a negotiation of your own that you ‘failed’ and take it apart in the same way: did you have room to talk, and what did you do with it? It is a surprisingly useful exercise.